just for laughs

FREEZER BURN
By Jocelyn Hainsworth

There seems to be something going wrong with 2009. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s got a lot of people talking. Well, more like complaining.

Oh, let’s be honest - they’re downright snarly these days.

The details of their unhappiness are a little fuzzy to me. I don’t know what it is ... I hear them talking, and even through three wraps of my scarf I can detect the anger and bitterness in their voices, but the topic they are going on about seems to be just beyond my grasp.

Just yesterday, as I was walking down the street, I came across a small huddle of people deep in conversation. Snippets and sound bites of what they were saying carried through my ear muffs and I caught “... can’t believe this cold ...” and “... when will this ever end?” Then someone else said “... record breaking cold ...” and then a foreign word “... spring ...”

I stopped to ponder where I had heard this word before. It seemed familiar - I would have to look it up when I got home - but was reminded to keep moving when one of the group asked another to give her a bit of a push as she had frozen down to the sidewalk during their visit and couldn’t get going again without a little help.

It occurred to me that this word “spring” might be a significant clue as to what folks were so upset about - I mean, just judging by the way it seems to be in every sentence uttered these days. It might even be considered a fixation, the way they go on and on about it. I felt I should have strong feelings about it too, but was having trouble working out the details. Is it possible to get frostbite on the brain? Freezer burn on your grey matter? And, if you did, would it affect your powers of concentration? I’ve been kind of worried about my shrinking attention span lately.

They say that the best thing you can do to stimulate your brain is to keep it active, so when I got home I decided to look “spring” up in the dictionary. If you want to believe this craziness, Mr. Webster says that spring is a warm season that starts in March, and that it comes every single year. This has made me pretty darned skeptical about anything else he has printed in that book, I can tell you, but that’s what it said.

I thought I would dig a little deeper so I pulled out the old scribbler I keep a bit of a diary in and looked back to other March entries. This is where it got really confusing - I accept that Mr. Webster might make stuff up, but the diary is in my own writing. Why would I lie?

Be darned if I didn’t mention spring too. Over and over again. Like it wasn’t a fantasy, or even anything out of the ordinary. If I am to be believed, spring is when the birds come back from the south, the snow melts, and trees get leaves on them. Amazing.

Mind you, it’s not all sweetness and roses, apparently there is something in March called “mud” that I seem to despise. Really. There are quite a few references, and I don’t sound happy about mud in any of them.

I thought really hard. If only my thinking wasn’t so fuzzy! Mud ... mud ... darn it! I wasn’t going to dig out the dictionary for this one! Mud ... yucky ... mess ... everywhere ... boots ... floors ... mess ... walls ... clothes ... dogs ... wet ... give up ... put broom away, bring in shovel ... okay, okay, it all came back to me. I do hate mud. And, if Mr. Webster is right, we should be having some right now.

Having solved that one with the few warm brain cells that I have operating, my next plan is to research the symptoms and treatment of Frozen Brain Syndrom on the Internet. I don’t know if I’ll learn anything, but the heater out in the office can really kick out the BTUs. It might not be the real thing, but in 2009 it might be the only March warmth I get.